Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
work smarter, not harder
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.