“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.