ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
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[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.