My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Inside you there are two wolves
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar