[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks