I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
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[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.