My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
You Might Also Like
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.