I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!