[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
what the
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.