“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once