Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!