“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”