The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
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Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships