Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters