AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
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Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.