COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
You Might Also Like
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Sell your car
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.