He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
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I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
How high do the levels go?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.