Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes