Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
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Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.