They grow up so quick
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute