Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff