After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
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Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
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