A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho