This is Damn delicious!馃構馃構馃構
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I鈥檓 going back to bed
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they鈥檙e 100% not listening.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving鈥 don鈥檛 want you getting pregnant.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that鈥檚 weird, I dunno what it could be
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
People often act like they don鈥檛 hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.