DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
best first i’ve ever seen
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here