Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
You Might Also Like
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?