The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
This checks out
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.