You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
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3% human
97% stress
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.