Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
it must be school picture day
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business