If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Ooops wrong house😂😜
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.