NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.