me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
You Might Also Like
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
How actors in movies eat their food