There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
pat pat
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Yep.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue