I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
You Might Also Like
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one