[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
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Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter