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Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
#SCOTUS one-star review
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
A roof is a house hat.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance