Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.