If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
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If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika