Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
You Might Also Like
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning