I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!