(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.