Dyslexics are teople poo!
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[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
what day is it?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Ah yes. The three genders
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day