I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
That’s amazing.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.