People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO