DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”