Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
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Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”