I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The first one, obviously
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.