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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew