GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
You Might Also Like
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.