hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
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[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’